Monday
I've been invited to speak at a conference being held Wednesday in Tyson's Corner, Virginia, and I make the mistake of flying into Reagan National, where a cabbie convinces me that $60 is not a bad fare when you're venturing "beyond the Beltway" (by only 70 feet?). "Next time, fly into Dulles," he says, like a smug MD filling a prescription.
I have forfeited my usual remuneration for this junket, and will instead view it as an opportunity to test the waters with some of my post-Bain insights (note: Don't mention Du-Rite). The conference is one of these Homeland Security gatherings that brings together a somewhat sordid assemblage of geeks and Beltway bandits eager to hear new thinking on such spine-tingling topics as "Guarding Our Borders." Nevertheless, opportunities have sprung from lesser-heeled crowds. Never fear — the Rayne cometh!
Tuesday
I visit an eatery called "Clyde's," where I'm supposed to dine with my fellow speakers (gurus) as part of a prebriefing for tomorrow's conference. However, a booted, blond receptionist tells me that my lunch was canceled and hands me a note from the conference's czar, who now expects me to accept his invitation for breakfast at — where else? — Tyson's, at some place called the Tower Club. He ends the note with one of those creepy :) things. I call the number on the bottom of the note, expecting to hear his perky receptionist, but instead I'm connected to a car service, which tells me that a car is waiting outside to take me back to the Ritz Carlton. I spend the remainder of the day trying to access e-mail, and finally receive 39 messages at 11 p.m. — including a heads-up that one of my fellow speakers is none other than John Bonanza. How? Why me? I drown my sorrows with the mini bar and five hours of Spectravision.
Wednesday
I exit the Ritz looking for a cab to take me to breakfast, but somehow find myself inside a giant mall that I never knew was there. After I walk what seemed like miles, a window washer tells me that I'm in Tyson's II. At first, I'm not sure what to make of this news. I consider the possibility that there are two Tyson's Corner, Virginias — one with highways, traffic lights, and potholes, the other a consumer Shangri-la, with endless shopping vistas. The Tower Club fills the top floor of a building Tyson's natives refer to as the shopping bag building, a name inspired by two well-masoned loops that emerge from the roof and resemble giant handles. (More homage to Shangri-la!)
Our host, Paul Helter, is a rather engaging fellow, a former CIA operative who likes to windsurf. The table is enjoying a second cup of coffee when Bonanza makes his usual tardy entrance. He takes a seat opposite Paul and places his BlackBerry on the table as if it were a Bible. He presses a thumb to each of his temples, and launches a fine-tuned fusillade: "The fundamentals of how a business makes money are being rapidly and permanently altered by sweeping cultural changes." I ask if he needs an ibuprofen or two for his head. Still massaging his temples with his thumbs, Bonanza leans in my direction and utters: "Just warming up the engines, ol' Rayne."
Thursday
Back at Reagan National, I search for an ATM, and a quiet hiding place to nurse my Bonanza hangover. Once again, the former monk has proven that you can never underestimate people's appetite for delivery rather than content. Bonanza's Q&A went 20 minutes over, limiting my segment to a mere 30 minutes. His rant: The increasing integration of business across borders has shifted power to consumers and giant retailers. The fraud! What book jacket did he lift that from?
Friday
My turn again to drop off Theo at kindergarten. We get to play a few good games with Legos before our departure. Today, we inspect suspicious containers at different U.S. ports of entry. As I drop off my inspiring border guard, he asks if tomorrow we can return to building ice cream factories. I offer little resistance.
© Arc, All Rights Reserved. Request academic re-use from www.copyright.com. All other uses, submit a request to TMSalesOperations@arc-network.com. For more information visit Asset & Logo Licensing.