Monday
The joys of Wilmington's Days Inn. Spend 20 minutes crawling about under my bed trying to plug in my laptop. Why don't they have high-speed sockets like the hotels of distinction I distantly recall staying in only a moon or two ago? Eventually connect — undoubtedly at some usurious rate per minute — and catch up on e-mail. Hertz lawyer deposition dates… Please empty out office fridge from last week… Marky Mark with a drunken update from the Napa Valley about a wonderful getting-to-know-you session with our latest client… It's all so depressing. I'm supposed to go from here to yet another recruiting session at Columbia B. School, then down to East Tennessee for a long-shot pitch to a chemicals firm that wants someone to help convince the EPA they didn't do it and even if they did, it didn't cause much by way of damages. And I don't want to go. Basically, I've had it. Throw my 200-page Frost & Sullivan industrial coatings report across the room, log off, turn on Spectravision and crawl over to my old pal the minibar — apathy loves company. Who cares?
Tuesday
Aah, but I still love it, being on stage. A morning spent developing a really clever 3-D segmentation scheme for the brown-suited folks at Du Rite. I work out my aggression, hopefully invisibly, by being quippy and breezy, and by insisting on slightly risky names for segment dimensions. "Pushers" instead of "Vendors" — that kind of thing. A little fun never hurt anyone. Besides, "Bankrupt hick addicts" is much more memorable than "Midwest small-scale miscellaneous industrial enterprise customers," don't you think?
No upgrades on US Air as usual (and no food), but am able to shove on board before families with small dogs thanks to my shiny, shiny tungsten privilege card. And hello to New York City!
Wednesday
Why do you want to be a consultant? What's the difference between investment banking and consulting? Why is strategy consulting "better" than operations management? Why is McKinsey still the benchmark? Why is it better to be at a small firm? What do you mean by better? What is your partner-to-consultant ratio? How do we handle conflicts of interest? Should McKinsey have known about Enron's dubious dealings? How fast can someone make partner? Why do you want to make partner? How much money does a partner make? How much money is enough? Do consultants get intellectual satisfaction from the work? How many days are you on the road? How many is too many? Do you fly first-class? Do pigs fly? Will A&P match Booz's tuition reimbursement plan? Will pigs fly? Why have all the big firms gone and changed their names?
Who cares?
Thursday
No upgrades on US Air as usual (and no food), but am able to shove… Anyway, Tri-Cities Tennessee, yessirree! Rent from Avis, who try harder and are measurably less litigious. More brown suits who keep asking coy questions about our relationship with the EPA. After 20 minutes of beating about the bush, I decide to cut to the chase. Do we golf with them? Is that what you're asking? Can I get them to look the other way in return for an expenses-paid trip to Vegas? Is that what you want? Safe to say A&P won't be winning this turgid little piece of business.
Home on US Air. Yep, you guessed it.
Friday
Jams on Memorial Drive. Nearly crash into back of Ford Explorer in spot identical to that of recent incident with Morty Tomato of Bain. Obviously something badly wrong with the traffic signals, plus the lanes are too narrow, or they shouldn't allow SUVs on that road.
E-mail messages seem almost unchanged from last time I checked them: fridges, lawyers, second-round flybacks, second mortgage refinancing offers. Stare at the Citgo sign across the metallic Charles River. Is there snow in the air? Monk Bonanza is laughing hysterically somewhere down the hall. Heide is with Morty Tomato at Bain. Ken Armadillo is lost in space. Donny Drucker is on the best-seller list with Good, Better, Best! How Visionary CEOs are Reinventing Ethics for Competitive Advantage.
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