Monday
Morning flight out to Big D for our salvage operation at Rodent Oil. As expected, traitor Pat Pounce is luring Rodent as the first client for his new firm. Pounce's sudden breakaway has the corridors at Armadillo & Pounce in a ferment — everyone wondering how to exploit the breach. My job, as new Head of Operations, Consulting, is clear. Prickly Ken Armadillo has given me carte blanche to assemble a SWAT team to make sure all client assignments stay on the rails. Meanwhile, Ken's suing Pounce and his acolytes, and calling a Come-to-Jesus, all-hands meeting on Friday. Clashes with a parent interview for Theo's kindergarten, but what can I do? I'm practically Ken's righthand man now.
Bunker Smalls, Rodent's EVP of Marketing, is a large man with a deep squint. We drink beer from frosty glasses, but I decline his offer of chewing tobacco.
Tuesday
Rodent's boardroom is lined with vintage photos of pioneer oil men with bushy whiskers taming wild gushers. Today's crowd is relatively tame, but there's still that "don't mess with Texas" edge. My A&P team said that Pat Pounce used to tell sports jokes, but I decide to play hardball. You guys are in a trap, I tell them. You're out of exploration and you're subscale in refining. And you can't expand in retail stations like Pat recommended, because your territories are already way overserved versus other metro areas. Your balance sheet won't let you buy your way out. But there is one solution that could double your operating margins. And what would that be?, Bunker asks, chewing slowly. Ancillary revenue, I reveal. Full-service car washes with coffee bars, magazine stands, dry cleaner and video dropoffs. Even a cheese counter. Imagine the possibilities! The wildcat pioneers stare down at us. Bunker's jaw is slack. Ten minutes later we're in the taxi.
Wednesday
Personal day. Rescheduled interview at Theo's kindergarten, but my mind wanders. How come Ken can make stunning leftfield suggestions to Du Rite and get treated like he's Drucker and Peters rolled into one? But when I try it, bupkiss. We're literally escorted from the building. Had to swing for the fences of course. No point saying we'd keep on Pat's path, not with him sitting in the corridor, ready to tell 'em more football tales. We were dead meat anyway. And do you have any pets at home, asks the teacher brightly? Rats, I say, before I can help myself.
Thursday
Nancy Nebraska volunteers for my SWAT team and I sign her up. With Rodent a lost cause, there are five other accounts in jeopardy to Pounce and his fellow vermin. I assign a team leader to each one, then challenge them to be back to me with a salvage plan by tomorrow. Nancy's client makes kosher gherkins and other condiments. Just don't tell me we're in a pickle, Rayne, she says.
My Rodent cheese shop strategy is all around the offices, getting better with every telling. Apparently we were chased from the building by armed security guards. I'm quite enjoying my notoriety until I hear Ken's latest. He managed to get two of the defectors to change their minds and quit Pounce's new shop. When they showed up here, he spent an hour getting all the dirt on Pat's plans, then turned around and fired them again. Is he taking this rupture too personally?
Friday
We're fired from Rodent Oil — it's official. Bunker's FedExed letter has a handwritten P.S.: "Nice try." Funnily enough, Pat Pounce isn't getting hired either. Word is, they're going with the local office of Andersen. So maybe my kamikaze mission was successful in a way.
Ken's big meeting is at high noon. As rumored, much bravado plus some tempting bait. Three upped to Partner, including Nancy. Ten percent bonuses to all staff who remain for 12 months. Plus a new shadow equity program, details to follow. Pounce's firm will fail, he promises us, and you can see in his eyes how incredibly important this is to him, like he's one of James Bond's evil megalomaniacs. Finally, our firm's name has to change, of course. My fantasies of A&M are quickly dashed. For now, we're The Armadillo Group and we're hiring consultants to dream up a new corporate identity and logo. Can you believe it? Consultants! What a waste of money.
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